- Chocolate is good for you*
- Chocolate has high nutritional value*
- Chocolate shared with another person contains no calories whatsoever*
- Chocolate can help you to loose weight*
- Chocolate can prevent illness and disease*
- Chocolate is an excellent breakfast meal*
- Chocolate can be used as a weapon to fight criminals*
But chocolate must contain some favorable properties, otherwise how do you explain the immense feeling of happiness when I eat it? The chocoholics among you will agree there's nothing quite like the smooth sugary explosion of euphoria that takes place when a piece of chocolate enters your mouth.
So yes, I have a small chocolate addiction problem thing. And I'm not the only one.
The story of chocolate in this household goes like this.
Chapter 1: One month before Halloween
J: "Can you pick up a few bags of Halloween candy for the kids?"
Innocently buys two large bags of candy.
Chapter 2: One week before Halloween
Sarah: "All the candy is gone! Did we eat it all?"
Back to the store for more candy. This time it's placed on the highest shelf in the cupboard.
Chapter 3: Halloween night 7:30 p.m.
J: "Okay I don't think any more trick or treaters are coming. Let's turn off the porch light."
Candy wrappers rustling and evil cackling are heard as the poor little trick or treaters press their noses up against the window longingly.
Chapter 4: Five weeks after Halloween
Sarah: "Okay, we must get out of the habit of snacking on candy every night. Bloody Halloween! Oh well, I am pregnant. What the hell, pass me another."
Chapter 5: February
Sarah: "This is out of control! We have to stop. Right this minute!!" Nibbling the edge of a Toblerone. "I'm not buying any more chocolate from now on. The only way to kick the habit is to go cold turkey."
J: "Uh, can you just buy a few bars for me?"
Sarah: "Nope. Because I'll eat them before you even set eyes on them."
J: "Well what if I buy some and hide them?"
Sarah: "No, because I will find them."
J: "Oh, I don't think so. I have an excellent hiding place that you don't know about."
Sarah: "Have you met me before? If there is even a teeny weeny piece of chocolate in the house I will hunt it down. Believe me. It doesn't matter whether you've taped it to the inside of the roof or stuffed it into the plumbing. I will get it."
Chapter 6: Easter
Bugger. That floppy eared, chocolate maniac the Easter Bunny has arrived.
Chapter 7: May
An intensive exercise regime ensues along with full withdrawal from chocolate eating.
Chapter 8: Two nights ago
Accustomed to their exemplary new eating habits, Sarah decides to buy a few bars of chocolate to keep in the fridge for occasional indulging.
J: "Wasn't there three Aeros in here earlier?"
Sarah: "Mmm.. You know what? I think a bird flew in a swiped one."
Goes for an extra long run.
This is why there simply can never be chocolate in my house. Ever.
*Warning: chocolate may not be good for you, help you loose weight, fight criminals or any of the other statements made here.