Sunday, September 20, 2009

Update: I am not with (third) child

Last week I wrote a post about my fear of being pregnant with a third child. I was somewhat flippant about it at the time. I didn't really, truly think I was pregnant. Then, as the week went on, the half-joke turned into a real poker face concern, and by the end of the week I was just ever so slightly loosing my mind with the idea that I might actually be pregnant. And against all my best efforts to resist, was preparing to do the unthinkable - a pregnancy test.

As it turned out, I was not - am not, pregnant.

Oh happy, happy realization.

I was 95% over-the-moon happier than happy and a little bit, about 5%, disappointed.

Before I had any kids, I thought I wanted three or four. I pictured myself at the centre of a large family with a lively breakfast table and a busy household. But after we had our second son earlier this year, we felt that two was a perfectly nice number and semi-decided that to leave it at that.

Then for a few days last week I was consumed by a feeling of trepidation. All I could think about was the idea of giving up so much of my life for another year. Another year of getting up every night to attend to a baby's needs. Another year of being at the beck and call of everyone else. Another year of having very little (even less with three) time for myself.

Mainly, it was the very raw fear of the situation being out of my control that really sent me into a panic.

I worried about letting on to J that I was loosing my shit, but as it turned out, he was way more calm than me, telling me that if it happened we'd get on with it and things would be fine. After I had picked my jaw up from off the floor, I babbled something along the lines of things would not be fine and how would things be fine and things would be entirely not fine and that in fact we would probably all explode into tiny pieces and never be seen again.

But last week's scare did teach me a few things:

1. Compared to the idea of three children, two now seem completely manageable.

2. The 5% disappointment I felt at finding I was not pregnant has led me to think that wanting a third child in a few years might be a distinct possibility.

But for now, oh the relief.
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roadrunner201 said...

:-) I totally understand and can relate to everything you just wrote here. Thinking I was pregnant with #2 (before #1 turned 1) made me really think #2 would be a possibility.

wherewiller said...

Totally understand how you feel BUT MY GOD THOSE ADORABLE CHILDRENS - can understand wanting another!! Great photo.

Chic Mama said...

In a few years time you will have two bigger boys and the prospect may not be so daunting or you may feel that you definitely don't want anymore.
Lovely picture. :0)

Midwest Mommy said...

I think and feel like we are done (hubs too) but sometimes my ovaries twitch when I see newborns. I try to control myself, lol.

The Woman who Can said...

My son's 11 now, and I would completely not be able to look after another baby. Once you've finished, you've finished. But I think you haven't maybe got there yet, hence the 5% disappointment.

..... Carmen said...

Oh I can hear Sara rejoicing in your 5% realization of wanting a third ;)

James (SeattleDad) said...

Well, at least it gave you cause to think about it and the insight to know how you felt afterwards.

Loukia said...

I am just like you... some days I'm sure I want a 3rd child, other days, I'm sure I don't. I feel complete in so many ways with my two boys, but sometimes, I yearn for another baby. But then I think about the tiredness, and how it would be with 3, really... it changes a lot.... it's a tough decision.. never sure I'm gong to know fully what the right answer will be!
For now, I'm happy you don't have to worry about that as I know it was on your mind... it can be very scary!

Mammatalk said...

Glad the little "scare" gave you the opportunity to explore the idea.

Mwa said...

Men always say it will be fine, because generally they are not the one giving up a year of their sanity. Then it's easy.

I want a third one, too, but I have all of the trepidation, even while trying.

Maternal Tales said...

Oh sweetie - i must have missed the post about you thinking you were preganant - what a scare for you. Phew...relief. I know just how you felt - when I found out I was pregnant with my second I was laughing with a friend about my period being late - I even I uttered the words 'well I better bloody not be pregnant'!!! And then when I found out I was I cried. Awful isn't it? I feel guilty about it now, but at the time it just felt so soon after the first and I couldn't imagine how I would be able to cope....And then when the second was born I had another scare (not quite sure how the scares happened really, but they did) and luckily I wasn't pregnant. Think 3 would have tipped me over the edge! Am pleased for you that you're not pregnant (yet). The time will come when and if you want to be xxx

Elaine A. said...

You are so going to get pregnant now. At least that is what happened to me. We were set on our two boys and life was great and BAM! outta nowhere, preggo.

I'm freaking out a little but now that it's almost here, I'm so happy we are being blessed again.

But I can promise you, there will be NO more BAM!s ;-)

Theta Mom said...

I think you'll want another sooner rather than later after reading your post. I don't have ANY %, not even a .000005% if it were me. I think you just know when you're done. And you my friend, I don't think two is the end for you!

Maria @BOREDmommy said...

I am so there - I tell myself I dont want a third, but there is this teeny little voice telling me that I want a third, and that I'm not done. If I'm supposed to know that I'm done, and I don't know it, than I guess I'm not? Conclusion - NONE.

It seems we are in the exact same spot.

Perfectly Happy Mum said...

OK it is now how long, 2 weeks since your post about your fear of being pregnant and I told you I was kind of disappointed not to be pregnant again? Well it is now 2 weeks I WANT a third! Thank God the house is too small for a third or I would probably bribe husband with a lot of sex against a baby... :)