Last week I wrote a post about my fear of being pregnant with a third child. I was somewhat flippant about it at the time. I didn't really, truly think I was pregnant. Then, as the week went on, the half-joke turned into a real poker face concern, and by the end of the week I was just ever so slightly loosing my mind with the idea that I might actually be pregnant. And against all my best efforts to resist, was preparing to do the unthinkable - a pregnancy test.
As it turned out, I was not - am not, pregnant.
Oh happy, happy realization.
I was 95% over-the-moon happier than happy and a little bit, about 5%, disappointed.
Before I had any kids, I thought I wanted three or four. I pictured myself at the centre of a large family with a lively breakfast table and a busy household. But after we had our second son earlier this year, we felt that two was a perfectly nice number and semi-decided that to leave it at that.
Then for a few days last week I was consumed by a feeling of trepidation. All I could think about was the idea of giving up so much of my life for another year. Another year of getting up every night to attend to a baby's needs. Another year of being at the beck and call of everyone else. Another year of having very little (even less with three) time for myself.
Mainly, it was the very raw fear of the situation being out of my control that really sent me into a panic.
I worried about letting on to J that I was loosing my shit, but as it turned out, he was way more calm than me, telling me that if it happened we'd get on with it and things would be fine. After I had picked my jaw up from off the floor, I babbled something along the lines of things would not be fine and how would things be fine and things would be entirely not fine and that in fact we would probably all explode into tiny pieces and never be seen again.
But last week's scare did teach me a few things:
1. Compared to the idea of three children, two now seem completely manageable.
2. The 5% disappointment I felt at finding I was not pregnant has led me to think that wanting a third child in a few years might be a distinct possibility.
But for now, oh the relief.