I know, it's so much fun - sweeping through the aisles of XYZ Baby Store with the cart just millimeters from your protruding belly, excitedly flinging every miscellaneous thing into the cart because really, you have no clue what you need, but it all looks pretty impressive.
But listen carefully new parents. As I sit here, years, and hundreds, possibly (gulp) thousands of dollars later, and I look around at the endless piles of absolutely essential will for sure die without baby gear, I'm going to tell you something.
Some of it is good. Much of it is crap.
Step away from the piles of attractive but useless baby stuff. Put your wallet back in that pocket. Don't listen to the voices telling you yes yes you must immediately purchase that special new burp cloth with the extra pockets that catch the burp spit. You know why? Because you're currently in a state of sweaty delirium fueled by pre-baby madness and super savvy baby product marketers who are very talented at hyping you up into a consumerist tizz.
These are just my opinions. Okay? I'm just sayin'. If I were to have another baby, these are the things I would not purchase.
Ooh great! This is just what I need! you think as you picture the numerous diapers that will be stacked tidily and odourlessly away in the Genie. Great. But guess what? In a few days, you have no choice but to open the container and face the horror of all the poopy diapers that are now amassed into a diaper sausage! A sausage of poopy diapers. Poop sausage. Yuck. I used mine for about two months and couldn't bare it any more. For the love of gawd, simply take the rotten stinky diapers outside one by one as needed to save yourself the plight of the diaper sausage.
What the hell is this madness? A penis hat? A pee preventer? This is all kinds of uselessness wrapped into a little profit making package. Basically, it's a square of fabric taped together to form a cone. That people buy. With money. Hmmm. Instead, here is what you do: move like a race horse - one diaper off, one on. Before any, um, leaks are sprung. No pee hats needed. Gawd.
Preformed swaddling blanket (the ones with all the fancy flaps and buttons and ties)
Here's an idea. Instead of forking out fifty dollars for a swanky bit of fabric with bells and whistles, spend five on a regular receiving blanket and fold it around your baby. Just as good. In fact better, in my experience. Folding instructions can be found here.
What? A what warmer? May I ask - what on earth did folks do before these things existed? How did they survive? Are they rolling around in their graves wailing "Oh golly gosh if only I had lived to own a wipes warmer. My life would surely have been immeasurably better. Why God Why?"
Baby sleep wedge
This is a piece of foam used to prop a baby onto its side to sleep. I'm sure there are reasons for this. Emmm? Nope, can't think of any. All that comes to mind is, what if someone picked me up and wedged me in between two giant pieces of foam and told me "I think you should sleep like this tonight. No, not on your back. No, not on your front. I'm sorry but I know what's most comfortable for you and I'm in charge. Okay?" Um no.
Baby nail clippers with light (so you can clip your baby's nails while they sleep)
Is it just me? I'm imagining how it must feel to be fast asleep, then suddenly hear a sinister clip, clip, clip, and then have a flashlight shining in your face. Waaaaaa! What the hell mum? Are you out of your freaking mind? I thought a giant monster with a light for a face was trying to kill me with a pair of clippers. I know kids don't love having their nails clipped. That's why I do it either when they first wake up, just before bed, or when they're distracted by something like the TV.
I'm sure there are more. Want to add one to the list? Be my guest!
I realize someone is probably going to write to me claiming that one or all of these inventions are in fact brilliant and extremely useful. These are simply my opinions as an experienced mum with young babies. Glad we good that sorted.