I've discovered a new way to enjoy Facebook. A way that stops me from gouging my eyes out when I read so-and-so person I was friends with fifteen years ago's status update that says something like "Fifi is going to the mall to look for some curtain hangers and then might have a sandwich at the mall and then is going to drive home and have a cup of tea and hopefully it won't rain today because she wants to hang her laundry out and also...". Cut.
Yes dudes, I know there's a way of blocking people, or their updates or whatever, but honestly I don't have the energy or inclination to work it out. So, usually I just hold my breath and scroll through the rubbish to get to my actual friends' updates, which I like. Because they're my actual fiends.
Anyway. The other day, I found a way to like Facebook. It happened by accident. Our computer malfunctioned and when I logged on to Facebook, everything was written in Pirate talk.
My profile said. Th' saucy wench Sarah be usin' Ye olde Facebook with the tongue o' English Pirate.
I knew immediately I was going to prefer this way to the old way.
What be troublin' ye? It asked me.
I be findin' this 'ere Facebook mighty vexin' like a son of a biscuit eater... I replied.
What be troublin' ye? It asked again.
I been a swashbucklin' with wenches all day and still there be no booty to see...
What be troublin' ye?
I done run out o' things pirate to say to ye now so get ye to the plank ye rascal scallywag.
Then it told me 15 shots o' rum ago, Cap'n Simon has had one too many.
This be pleasin' to my eye! I clicked in approval.
35 shots o' rum ago, Lady Brenda... likes her husband's meatballs.
Arrr! I clicked.
Thar be more... It said.
It asked me if I wanted to Scrawl upon 'er plank in reference to a long lost colleague. Much better than poking her.
Unfortunately I'm incapable of letting go of things I'm amused by, and so continued my pirate renditions at bedtime. There was at least twenty minutes of smutty pirate jokes. Which apparently was a painfully long time. J told me my pirate accent was not a turn on because I sounded kind of like an English farmer from the West Country. Which - what the hell?
To turn Pirate English on, go to the bottom left of your Facebook page, click English (US or UK), and switch to English (Pirate).