Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Lady Mama's Résumé

It's been a long time since I've looked at my résumé. About five years. When I finally retrieved it from my hard drive the other day, I chuckled at the ambitious words I used to describe myself, the long list of skills and achievements, the many many jobs, the blow by blow account of my education. Really fascinating stuff.

Then I tried to re-write it, to bring it up to date. This is what I really wanted to write.


Lady Mama's Résumé


Started as corporate ladder climber, schmoozing clients (getting them drunk), wowing bosses with amazing business-winning talents (cleavage), strutting around with important looking documents (gossip rags wrapped in fax paper).

Then took short hiatus in career to raise children. Expanded vocabulary to include words to Dora The Explorer, developed amazing strength in upper arms from carrying babies and toddlers around all day, grew extra pair of eyes in back of head to catch children trying to pour nail varnish over dog - very useful for paying close attention to detail.


Fast worker: I can change a diaper in thirty seconds flat. Beat that.

I can cook dinner, wipe down surfaces, vacuum, hold a baby, talk on the phone, drink wine and email all at the same time. Impressive huh?

I have honed my domestic skills to that of a 1950's housewife. Dinner on the table, house cleaned, slick of lipstick, children sweet and happy and ready to welcome daddy home. Yeah that one was a lie.

Not deterred by hard work:
I have been up to my elbows in poo and pee and remained as steadfast as a soldier. Also, I have gone for months with no more than three hours of sleep at a time and still been able to recite the words to all the songs from The Sound of Music (my husband loves when I do that).

Positive attitude:
I am as bright and breezy as a sunshiny day every morning when my kids force me to get up out of bed at 7 a.m. with their yelling.

Strategic thinker:
I've devised a number of mummy-needs-quiet-time hiding places around my house: in the bathroom, in my closet, behind the couch, or in the laundry hamper if I curl up really small and don't move.

Salary expectation

If you give me a quiet office, an endless supply of coffee, a lunch break, and pay for childcare, I'll do it for near free.


Matthew or Oliver.


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Jennyre said...

Looks good, though, I think you've forgotten Conflict Resolution skills and also no sick days taken in many years!

Lady Mama said...

Yes yes! And also, I was thinking Negotiating Skills and Good Team Player?

..... Carmen said...

I particularly like the references - lol. I haven't looked at my resume in, um, since University. THAT would be scary to have to upate....

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Oh I love it! Sounds legitimate to me, who wouldn't hire you? ;)

Kate Coveny Hood said...

Excellent. Don't forget staff management responsibilities. Our garbage can doesn't get taken out unless I send out copious memos and directives...

Loukia said...

LOVE it! 30 second diaper changes? Impressive... yes, yes, you're hired! ;)
I was going to have to stop reading your blog, though, when I read how 'efficient' you were... thankfully that was not all true. Unless, of course, you're just lying to us to make us feel better about ourselves? Heehee... great post!

Doc said...

Love the resume... I need one too!

angelina la dawn said...

i love this! if only resumes could really reflect who we are...

wherewiller said...

I'd hire you in a second!

Lady Mama said...

Carmen - I think it's easier just to start from scratch.

Stacy - I think so!

Kate - oh yes staff management, good point.

Loukia - No no definitely not very efficient over here don't worry.

Doc - thanks.

Angelina - though if it did I'm not sure I'd get hired...

wherewiller - good to know. ;)

Metropolitan Mum said...

You might want to re-think the salary expectations. I was recently approached by a company that wanted me to work for them, but couldn't pay (!). When I asked for a contribution to childcare, I never heard back from them.

Mwa said...

That's very true. I think young mothers should be exempt from resumes because they are obviously superhuman.