When Dean Martin sung the lyrics "The weather outside is frightful...." I'd be willing to bet he was not talking about -30 degree weather. Because if he was, he might instead have sung "The weather outside is so painfully bad I want to wrap the wool of ten lambs around my body and roll around on hot coals for a day...". And that just doesn't have the same ring to it.
It's true though, -30 happens here. And you know what happens when the temperature plummets to levels so unfathomable that it's almost laughable in a crying kind of way?
Well, let's see...
• Your nose hairs freeze in the time it takes to walk fifteen feet from your house to your car.
• Your back door freezes shut because of the dog door and the crappy window that needs replacing and you have to kick the crap out of the damn thing to open it.
• You drive from one store to the next, even though they're only ten meters apart, and you don't care because it's too cold.
• You laugh out loud at the suggestion of leaving the house because the thought of it is on a par with going outside to the garden and making snow angels in your underwear.
• When you really have to go out, you bundle your toddler up in his winter coat, snow pants, snow boots, hat, scarf and mittens. Then you do the same for your baby. Then you struggle out the back door - which you must first kick the crap out of to open - all of you resembling the Michelin man - to the car. Then you wonder what the hell was worth going out for.
• You mention the weather while on the phone to your parents and they proceed to laugh and shake their heads at the idea that you moved to a place where temperatures reach such depths.
• You eat too many Christmas cookies and chocolates and general comfort foods because you're stuck indoors and subconsciously building up extra body fat in case of an emergency.
Get the picture?
So here's the thing. I was thinking about the first people to settle in Alberta. What they were thinking when they arrived here and decided to stay? Here's how I picture the scene.
What's the weather like by you?