Sunday, January 10, 2010

Aliens abducted my Saturday night.

A lovely, lovely weekend. Ruined by alien guts and brains on my telly. No, not on my telly, on a movie on my telly.

But first, the lovely part: I got a massage on Saturday morning, which, apart from the bit where I screeched and squirmed like a lobster being murdered because the masseuse was inadvertently tickling me, was dreamy.

Then the loveliness continued in the afternoon with a walk through the park in the snow. And finally, a dinner of chicken kebabs, hummus, tabbouleh salad, pita and olives, during which no one cried or threw food or tried to climb down from the table.

We got the kids to bed and settled on the sofa with a vat of popcorn.

About five minutes into District 9 I realized, the loveliness was over. OVER.

Because basically, I had two choices: force myself to watch the film, or; tell J I couldn't possibly watch another second and leave the room, which would result in both of us missing it/an argument/someone being pissed off at someone, and inevitably me feeling stupid for insisting on not watching the damn thing.

Bloody aliens.

So I decided to bite my tongue and watch the damn film.

As I watched it, a stream of incohesive thoughts ran through my head...

That guy is a moron.

If that moron says the word "prawn" once more I'm going to smack him.

I think I'm going to throw up.

I'm definitely going to throw up.

I'm not sure I can make it to the bathroom in time.

Oh god his fingernail came right off.

Don't puke don't puke.

I can't stand this movie. Can't stand it can't stand it can't stand it.

What the f*ck is that alien doing?

What the f*ck are they doing to those aliens?

Intermittently during the movie I noticed I was grinding my teeth, shifting in my seat, biting my nails, holding my breath. Signs of irritation.

At the end of the movie I breathed a sigh of relief.


"I loved it." Said J.

"I HATED it." I spat.




"I just HATED it. I hope I never come within an inch of that film again. If I owned the DVD I would take it right now and stamp on it. I HATED it. I really detested it. I would burn it."

"But why?"

Because as I get older, I hate violence and gore. And more than the violence and gore, it's the cruelty and the way the cruelty really gets to me. Yes I am a big sissy. By the time I'm seventy I'll basically live in a bubble room with access to only "happy" TV stations and "happy" web sites. And a delivery slot for cupcakes and pizza.
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James (SeattleDad) said...

So, I'm guessing Alien versus Predator is not on your list of must see movies.

Heather said...

I'm getting the same way. films i used to enjoy I find unwatchable now. It goes for crude comedies as well. I just can't watch them, they make me cringe.

Can i come and join you in that bubble?

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

With you every step of the way. Hate violent movies. Alien movies, just what is the point?

Husband, obviously, loves them. Sigh. x

Chic Mama said...

What a shame but good for you for putting up with it for your husband. Seemed sweet to me...and no tweeting or laptop to help you through it? X

Midwest Mommy said...

My husband loved it, I read blogs.

Maria @BOREDmommy said...

I have found the same thing - as I get "older" (that's in quotation marks because I refuse to believe it) I have NO interest in watching horror movies or violent movies at all. The hubs spends those nights watching it alone.

Lisa said...

I'm with you. We watched it the other night. There's 2 hours of our life we'll never get back. STUPID waste of time. Hubby agreed that it sucked. The wine and popcorn was the only good part..

Lady Mama said...

James - Alien versus WHO?

Heather - Yes please join me. We can eat all the cupcakes and ignore the world.

Brit in Bosnia - I've no idea what the point is.. I'm sure there must be one...

Chic Mama - Sweet or deranged.. not sure.

Midwest Mommy - If only I'd been so productive.

Maria - Funny how we like these things less as we get "older"...

Lisa - Even the wine and popcorn was RUINED for me. Bah.

Nap Warden said...

Thanks so much for the heads up. I'm totally on your page about violence and cruelty in movies. I might have been talked into that one.

Metropolitan Mum said...

I AM SO WITH YOU. SO. My living room door has a slot for pizza and a cut-out in the shape of a cupcake. The only gross stuff I can watch is CSI - because the people are dead already and justice is done in the end. Amen.

Elaine A. said...

Funny, my husband just told me the other day that I have to watch this movie. I think not.

Mwa said...

I think you should have left anyway.