I promise to stop banging on about the holiday weight gain. Soon.
But really! Having kids has transformed my figure in the most peculiar way. And I'm not talking about the not-so-perky-anymore boobs, the wider hips (they are wider I tell you), or the wobbly belly. I'm referring to the way my abdomen changes when I gain a few pounds now.
It looks - I look, kind of, well, pregnant. On a side note, I hope J doesn't read this post, otherwise he'll be all "maybe you should take a pregnancy test?" and I'll be all "I don't want to. I'm not pregnant." and he'll be all "but you are looking a bit pregnant" and I'll be all "oh my god you think I'm fat! Waaah!" Etc.
But you see, I caught sight of myself in the mirror yesterday, and I swear, the way my sweater curved over my abdomen was just eerily reminiscent of a baby bump. Immediately I sucked in my stomach to do away with the protrusion. I even poked my abdomen to determine the firmness of it, in case.
What worries me is not being pregnant (I'm definitely not, by the way), but the fear that some stranger might call me on it in public. Because that is the most horrifying thing ever.
I know, because it's happened to me.
Two months after I gave birth to my first son, I was in a coffee shop with a group of ladies from my prenatal class. A woman at the next table got up to leave, and as she did, stopped to gawk at my son and the other babies.
"Awww! How beautiful!" She swooned. "And another one in the oven?" She said cheerily gesturing to my tummy.
I about died. "No." I said, shaking my head and trying not to blush.
"Oh god! Oh I'm sorry!" The woman looked almost as mortified as me. I almost felt bad for her.
So, I'm working on losing the bump fast because it's simply not cool to have strangers think, or worse - say you're pregnant when you're not. Also, let this be fair warning to all people - male and female: only if you are extremely certain - so certain you'd wager your last month's salary on it - should you ever imply a woman is pregnant.