Thursday, February 24, 2011

Diet in Disguise.

I don't like diets. Mainly because they don't work. The way I see it, this is what happens: You starve yourself for a few weeks, lose a bit of weight, then congratulate yourself by eating a cream cake and a drinking bottle of wine and gain it all back again.

But, given the current curviness of my curvy bits, something needs to be done. My body just doesn't shed the pounds as easily as it used to when I was twenty five. And, according to a couple of those height/weight body mass calculation web sites, I could do with losing a few pounds. About fifteen, actually. I'd be happy with ten.

Feeling suddenly inspired to take action, I developed a diet healthy eating plan for myself.

The general idea is to keep it simple, be sensible, and not deprive myself of everything.

- Breakfast: Cereal, fruit or eggs.
- Lunch: Salad or soup.
- Mid-afternoon snack: Fruit, veggies or nuts. 
- Dinner: Whatever everyone else is eating.
- After dinner: No dessert, snacks or wine except on the weekend.

Seems reasonable, right?

Wrong.

On day one, I did pretty well up until after preschool pick-up, which coincided with my four o'clock sugar-low, and I then convinced myself that I needed a mini butter tart. And I can be very convincing.

FAIL.

That evening I accidentally (I swear!) ate three chocolate truffles and had a glass of wine.

FAILFAIL.

Day two, I was doing really well until the afternoon. By 3:30 pm I thought I was going to faint from lack of carbs and fats. So I had to stop for an emergency sandwich on my way to work. It *might* have had a bit of mayonnaise in it.

FAILFAILFAIL.

After work I was tired and gave into a glass of wine. (How many calories can a glass of wine have anyway?) And then when I wasn't looking J poured me another. So really, it was all his fault.

FFFFFF it.

On day three of my diet healthy eating plan, I have concluded that people who don't eat carbs are demented. Or dementors. Or something.

As part of this madness plan, I started recording every single thing I eat. That means every time I sneak a piece of cheese from the fridge, every time I take a bit of my kids' snack - it goes into the book of judgment. And, quite frankly, it's been shocking to see how much I snack during the day.

So, to conclude:

- I eat too much food
- Food is awesome and diets suck
- Especially carbs and butter
- I should build a palace out of butter, carbs and sugar and live there
- People who diet must be permanently on the verge of passing out
- Healthy eating plans are really just diets in disguise
- I still don't understand why wine is fattening.












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9 comments:

Lil said...

I so know how you feel. Its so hard for me to go without sugar and carbs and all other things that taste good. AND I seem to do worse when I am on a "diet".

Kori said...

This cracked me up honey! I am on Weight Watchers and pretty much share all of your sentiments. My blog makeover giveaway ends tomorrow. Make sure to enter if you haven't already! Kori xoxo

http://www.blondeepisodes.com/2011/02/makeover-blog-giveaway.html

Tania-Dreams2011 said...

Ugh! I conclude the same things for myself! I can never say no to delicious food :(

Kate Coveny Hood said...

LOVED this - especially the bullet points

fiona2107 said...

Omgosh you sound like me!

LisaDay said...

Could I live in your palace. Could there be candy and chocolate in it? I think moderation is the key. And besides, I heard one glass of wine a day is good for your heart. So enjoy.

LisaDay

Loukia said...

Gah. Diets SUCK. I have been on a diet my entire life. Well, since I was 17. And they really DON'T work. I hate how I have to try SO HARD and some other people do not. I mean, I SUFFER. I LOVE FOOD! So when I need to lose some weight, like every year right about NOW, right before spring, I start starving myself. Well, not really starving myself, more like eating like a normal person, but to me, that's not enough. ;)
Or I'll do Atkins and SUFFER through it, because it does work, at least for a short amount of time.

Mwa said...

You CANNOT cannot CANNOT stop carbs and still look after a family. It's impossible. Any sensible plan will include some carbs. New plan needed! With carbs and alcohol!

Metropolitan Mum said...

Hahaha. I love you for this post, of course :)

The thing with carbs is to eat the right carbs - like in grainy rye bread, wholegrains, oats... In theory, i know all about healthy eating and vow to drink less wine and eat less crab, but as soon as I pass a Paul bakery...