Last night I found out that my husband has had sideburns for fifteen years. In that time he's never shaved them off. Which means that since we've been together - since I've known him - he's had sideburns.
He told me that, right after I accidentally shaved them off.
I'm not sure how I came to be the family hairdresser, since I am neither qualified at cutting hair, nor am I good at it. But in the end, it didn't last long, because one time when I cut my son's hair I became a little over-zealous with the bang-trimming and what resulted was a cut not unlike Friar Tuck's.
After the Friar Tuck incident I agreed to NEVER AGAIN cut either boys' hair. But I continued cutting J's, since his was more straight-forward. I've been cutting his hair for a few years now. This detail will become important in a minute.
I'm one of those people who never notices haircuts, hair styles, hair preferences, or any thing hair-related really. You could be my friend, my neighbour, my husband (ahem), or my mother, and I might not notice. You could dye your hair green and glue it together to form the shape of a sea horse and I'd probably be all "Hi, wow, something is different - did you get a new pair of shoes?".
Which explains why, after I'd finished cutting my husband's hair last night, I began to trim his sideburns, thinking that that was what we normally did.
But apparently that was not what we normally did.
I was finishing up, checking over the cut to make sure I hadn't missed anything (also checking him out because he's particularly handsome after a fresh cut). And then went about what I believed was my usual routine of trimming the sideburns.
I trimmed the top part, then asked.
"So then you'll do the rest of the sideburns?"
Because that's what he usually did...
"No. What do you mean?"
"Well, you can't leave them like this, because there's a whole..."
And it was then that I realized.
I had trimmed a hole in the sideburns, a gap between the top and bottom parts. From here, there really was no other option, than to shave it all off.
So that's what he did.
I lay in bed that night, thinking about how I could make it up to him. I thought about sneaking out while he was asleep, grabbing a Sharpie, and drawing his sideburns back on. But that probably wouldn't work, because then I'd be tempted to draw on glasses and a mustache too and that would completely ruin the whole effect.
And then I considered shaving off my eyebrows to show some camaraderie.
But I like my eyebrows.
And so, instead, I decided the best gift I could give would be to never, ever, cut anyone's hair, ever again.